I Don’t Even Know What I Want to Happen…

1 Jan

I  really don’t want to do this right now but I’ve successfully completed a blog post before every Chargers game this season and I don’t intend on breaking that streak right before the final game of the year. Forgive me if this one is particularly short and particularly crappy but it just kind of fits considering this game literally means nothing to the Chargers. Well, almost nothing. The Chargers were officially eliminated from playoff contention after no showing in their loss to the Lions last week (just in case you have recently awoke from a coma or you are one of those lucky people that don’t really follow the Chargers.) Yet, with a win today they can still cockblock the Raiders from playing in the playoffs. On the other hand, if the Chargers lose today that might mean the difference of being just outside the top ten in next year’s draft as opposed to being as far back as the early 20s. So it has all come down to this:  ruin New Years Day for Raiders fans everywhere or improve the long-term prospect of the team by acquiring a superior player in next year’s draft.  What a crock of shit. Peter King’s prediction of the Chargers going to this year’s Superbowl before the start of the season seems like so long ago… Here is some porno for puppy lovers to cheer you up. Notice how her eyes just scream “FEED ME!”

World's Sultriest Dog

Hard to believe she has been spayed huh?

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Twas the day before Christmas

23 Dec

Twas the day before Christmas, yet through the AFC West,

Not a team had proved themselves to be best.

The Chargers played games like they just didn’t care,

and hoped that the playoffs would somehow be there.

The Chiefs were nestled all snug in their beds,

while visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.

I’m not wearing a ‘kerchief as I sip my night cap,

I’m writing a blog post that’s totally crap.

When in the standings there arose such a clatter,

Has Tebow done the impossible and made the Broncos matter?

At first it appeared the Raiders were making a splash,

But now we all now they are just stinky trash.

The moon on the boobs of the new-fallen snow,

No Sam Hurd, I’m not talking about blow.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear?

A Chargers game that mattered and a fridge full of beer.

The Lions a team so tough, mean and quick,

But Ndamukong Suh is a big dirty prick.

Anticipation builds rapid for tomorrow’s game,

Just having thought of it I practically came!

Now Rivers! Now Mathews! Now Norv! (you Vixen!)

On Scifres! On Novak! Go Defense, keep Blitzen!

To the top of the standings! To the top of the wall!

For the love of God! Hold onto the ball!!!

Please please you Chargers, don’t make me cry,

My hopes have now risen to the top of the sky.

You’re playing so well now, in your baby blue,

Don’t revert to your old ways, looking like poo.

And should the season go up in a poof,

you might see me standing on the edge of my roof.

If this season is to keep turning around,

Big Fat Tubby Tolbert must run with a bound.

Norv covered in wrinkles from his head to his foot,

If we miss the playoffs his job is KAPUT!

A bundle of Boys have found their lost sack,

Perhaps you may say they got their groove back.

Norv’s eyes how they twinkle! His dimples so scary!

His cheeks not like roses, dick made out of dairy!

What goes through his head no one could know,

Might these be his last weeks in San Di-E-Go?

Decisions he’s made have caused us such grief,

I wanted to like you but if you’ve been quite a queef.

I’ve never met you but I’m sure that you’re smelly,

When you coach a team tough men turn into jelly.

C’mon Norv Turner! You silly old elf,

If you can’t win this big one then GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Knowing our playbook comes straight from your head,

Is all that I need to fill me with dread!

To take the wild card from the Jets is our work,

Send home Rex Ryan! That large-bellied jerk!

Norv if you can strike your smug winning pose,

You’ll send Rex packing to fondle some toes!

We’re playing so well, keep avoiding Ref’s whistle,

Let’s not lose our swagger, lets not lose our sizzle!

Come all ye Chargers fans lets cheer now with might,

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Loss For Words…

18 Dec
Calm in defeat...

Norv looking smug while losing another one...

Last night I sat with the laptop and stared for about an hour at a blinking cursor.  I simply could not think what to write for this post after I promised more content last week.  Perhaps I’m at a loss for words because I didn’t even see the previous game due to the black out . Perhaps I’m experiencing writer’s block because I’ve reached that comfortable level of disappointment in this Chargers season where they can’t hurt me anymore. Or maybe there are only so many immature poop jokes you can write about an underachieving football team. Either way, words seem to escape me when trying to describe my feelings about tonight’s game against the Ravens. So I figured I’ll express myself to you through the universal language of art.  I hope you enjoy my artist’s rendition of the great Norv Turner. Medium=colored pencil on printer paper with beer in my belly. I will consider parting with it if the price is right. Make me an offer, serious inquiries only…

Don’t Call it a Comeback

11 Dec

I’ll be honest I really didn’t see much of the victory over the Jaguars last week because I was at work. I won’t see any of today’s game against the Bills and neither will you because for the second time this year the game will be blacked out. At time of writing I’m locked out of my house and really need to take a Cason (poop). I predict the Chargers beat the Bills and we are all trying to figure out tie-break scenarios tomorrow morning… I promise to write a longer post next week…

Novak Pisses Away Golden Opportunity

5 Dec

Well Nick Novak is human after all.  Its not everyday an NFL kicker misses two opportunities to win the game for his team but I’m sure it has happened before.  What made Novak’s effort last week truly memorable was the image of him taking a tinkle on the sideline. Yes, it’s true, Novak went pee pee on the sideline before going doo doo on the field. Final score 16-13 in overtime.  The good news is the Chargers moved one loss closer to being mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.

I have a bad feeling they are going to kick the shit out of the Jags tonight though which will just keep this poor tortured little town sucked into the season for at least one more week. Worst case-scenario is they stomp the Jags tonight, ride the momentum into what initially looks to be an amazing comeback in the division standings over the next few weeks only to fall just short to the Denver Broncos.  Then, based upon the fact that the team finished strong despite their myriad injuries, Norv is offered (and takes) a three-year contract extension.  During the course of those seasons the Chargers continue to slowly regress after a slew of bad draft picks and mounting injuries to Philip Rivers.  Eventually, four or five years from now (after coaching candidates like  Bill Cowher, Jeff Fisher, and John Gruden, etc., have all signed with other teams), the Chargers are the worst team in the NFL and thus rewarded with the #1 draft pick whereupon they subsequently draft the next Ryan Leaf to be their starting quarterback for their inaugural season in Los Angeles. The oracle has spoken.

Chargers Try to Avoid Getting “T-Boned”

27 Nov

I really don’t know where to start so I’m just not going to. Here is a list of some random thoughts about the sinking shit, er, ship otherwise known as the Chargers.

Final Score Bears 31 Chargers 17:  Chargers lose 5th straight…

Ryan Mathews:  Somebody must be putting bacon grease on Ryan Mathews gloves as a joke…it’s not funny. Also, why does he always seem to be wearing a youth large jersey? He dresses like a slut on Sundays. He obviously has no respect for himself because it appears that he thinks he has to show up in a bare midriff to get people to like him.  I’m not sure, but I think the Chargers wear the powder blues today.  I shudder to think how he is going to show up for this game, perhaps some powder blue stilettos and matching eye shadow to go with all those drive-killing fumbles?

Philip Rivers: He continues to be an amazing quarterback (for the other team)… Rivers has thrown 17 INTs now.  The all time single season record of 42 set by George Blanda seems a little overambitious, but if Philip can pick up the pace a bit he might be able to catch Vinny Testaverde for #2 all time at 35. Which just seems so fitting seeing as how Philip really has been the ultimate #2 (I’m talking about doo doo) this year…

Antoine Cason: He actually got an interception! Cool right? Well sorta. On his return of the INT Jay Cutler broke his thumb. Normally I would find this a little funny but since the Bears next three games are against the Raiders, Chiefs and Broncos respectively, I just find Cutler breaking his thumb really annoying. Screw you Cason! Even when you finally do something good you still find a way to suck…

Nick Novak: The heart and soul of the team hit the crossbar on a 55 yard field goal attempt. A part of me died right there.  Shake it off buddy, we need you today.

Today’s Matchup: Here’s the funny part. I know I keep saying this, but the Chargers still have a chance. The Raiders could very well lose to a good Bear’s team today that won’t look as bad as you might think with their backup QB. And the Chargers get a chance to sweep the Fucking,er, Bucking Broncos at home today. What better way to break a five game losing streak than to play the team you got your last win against? The problem with that logic is that this time Tim Tebow is going to play both halves of the game. Has Tim Tebow told you he likes God lately? Yes, Tim Tebow likes God and it would certainly appear that God likes him right back. Every so called “expert” said Tim Tebow has no chance to play QB at the NFL level yet somehow he keeps winning.  The guy really is quite the enigma. He has completely surpassed Chuck Norris at this point. Here’s some jokes I found online at various locations (they are not mine, and I’m sure they are all recycled Chuck Norris Jokes anyways). Enjoy.

-When Superman goes to bed he wears Tim Tebow pajamas.

-In the beginning there was Nothing. Then Tim Tebow stiff-armed that Nothing and told it to “get a job.” That is the story of the Universe.

-Tim Tebow is the reason Waldo is hiding.

-Tim Tebow calls 4th Downs “Jews” because they are the hardest and most rewarding to convert.

-Tim Tebow CAN believe it’s not butter.

-Before the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks the closet for Tim Tebow.

Chargers Try Not to Blow in the Windy City

20 Nov

It’s official. The Chargers suck. Just read the local newspaper. Local writers have reached a level of disillusionment equal to my own. Kevin Acee of the San Diego Union Tribune went so far as to say “they [the Chargers] stink.” Yes they do Kevin, the Chargers stink like shit. When I started this blog I could have never imagined the Chargers season would turn out this bad. Losing to the Raiders for a third consecutive time when a win at home against them would have steered the Chargers toward the playoffs is one of the most deflating sports moments I’ve ever seen. The Chargers lost 24-17 to the Raiders last Thursday night and to tell you the truth the final score makes it seem like it was closer than it even was. The truth is the Raiders beat up on the Chargers with their backup running back. Talk to any Chargers fan in person or go online to any Chargers forum and everybody wants to try and analyze what specifically is wrong with them. You’ll hear things like “Norv sucks, we need a new coach,” or “it’s not Norv’s fault Rivers has thrown so many interceptions, Rivers has to step it up.” Or perhaps a statement like “the secondary is garbage” or ” the O-line needs to protect Rivers better.”  HAHAHAHA! Don’t you people see?! This team just plain sucks. There is no quick-fix here. Trying to find the one thing that has made the Chargers such a disappointment this year is like looking at a piece of shit from multiple angles and trying to determine what quality makes it a piece of shit. It just doesn’t matter.

The funny thing is as bad as the Chargers are they technically still have a chance at making the playoffs. That’s how bad the AFC West is this year. At time of writing, The Chargers sit in third place closely behind the Raiders and Broncos. The Raiders are starting a QB that just a month ago was sitting on his couch watching football like you and me. The Broncos are starting a QB who according to almost every football expert should not be playing QB. And the Chargers are behind those teams, but not by much. The Chargers still have a game left against both the Raiders and the Broncos so there is still hope. San Diego can still be this year’s Seattle Seahawks and make the playoffs with a losing record.

Before those key games with the Broncos and Raiders the Chargers can go a long way to keep their playoff hopes alive with a with a win against the red-hot Chicago Bears. Normally I’d say the Chargers have no chance to travel to Soldier Field and beat a hard-nosed team like the Bears, but that would fail to account for how much of a douchebag Jay Cutler is. I mean just look at this fake picture of him.

Nice Pussy

Jay Cutler with his Best Friend

Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler hate each other and that’s the way I like it. Maybe, just maybe, playing Jay Cutler is what Rivers needs to light the competitive fire that seems to have been missing for him all year. It’s a stretch I know, but we’re getting desperate here.  I could go on writing more about how much the Chargers suck and are disappointing but it might be more fun to write a blog post about the fact that the sky is blue. Enjoy practicing your four-letter words while watching the game today.