Archive | October, 2011

Top Ten Reasons Chargers Piss Me Off

30 Oct

The Chargers completely sucked last week in their collapse to the Jets.  It was their shittiest effort they’ve given so far this year. In their honor (and due to time constraints)  I’ve decided to write my shittiest blog post of the season.  I am very grumpy about the Chargers right now.  I really hope they can pull it together and beat the suddenly confident Kansas City Chiefs on Halloween night.  If the Chargers cannot beat the Chiefs tomorrow night then there is no doubt in my mind that my house will be the scariest on the block as I furiously pass out candy to all the neighborhood kiddos.  Without further ado, here is a half-assed recap of last weeks game in list format.

The Top 10 most frustrating things from last weekend’s game against the Jets:

10. Injuries-The injury bug continues to bite the Chargers as the team continues to lose key players left and right.  Marcus Mcneil, Malcom Floyd, Larry English, and Mike Tolbert are just some of the players who suffered significant injuries last week.

9.  Ryan Mathews seems to leave every game for some minor injury.  He left last week to go to the locker room to check out his thumb.  He was fine, came back into the game after a few minutes.  I just picture him crying until the trainer puts a spiderman band-aid on him then its like it never happened and he is back to running around.  Toughen up! We are counting on you.

8.  Antoine Cason got scored on three times by a guy who went to jail for shooting himself in the dick.

7.  Penalties- As much as I typically love being right (and believe me, I LOVE it) I hated seeing  the Chargers commit 13 penalities for 95 yards.  I predicted that they would commit a “boatload” of penalties so I think that makes me the fucking Nostradamus of Charger’s football.

6.  Bad calls- The Chargers don’t really need any help losing close games but they got it when Quentin Jammer was tagged with an unfair pass interference call that basically allowed the Jets to run more time off the clock before kicking their late field goal.

5.  The Chargers were winning 21-10 at halftime and ended up losing 27-21. They did not score in the second half.  Good teams do not play like that.

4.  The Chargers are supposed to have a “potent offense,” they still have not scored 30 points in a game this season.

3.  The final drive- I swear I’m not just saying this for effect, but I think the Chargers final drive was the most inept I’ve ever seen a NFL team look in a hurry-up offense.  They demonstrated a complete lack of urgency as they took their sweet time changing formations which lead to idiotic 3 yard passes in the middle of the field.  WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.  Philip Rivers- You are making me sad.  Do you want to talk about anything?  Are you doing drugs?  I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what is going on.  Can you tell me why you would intentionally throw the ball out of bounds on 4th down at the end of the game?  I know you like to throw the ball out of bounds to avoid getting sacked but on the last play of the game?

1.  Norv Turner- Even after all these shitty things the Chargers could’ve still left New Jersey on a high note if Norv would’ve just followed my advice.  Rex Ryan openly talked shit about Norv all week.  I suggested that Norv should slap Rex Ryan right in his fat face during the post game handshake.  Sure, it might have led to Norv coaching the rest of the season as a paraplegic after Rex sat on him in retaliation, but it would have fired up the troops.  Instead, Norv acted “professionally” and simply shook Rex’s hand like nothing happened.  What a pussy…


Revenge of L.T.?

22 Oct

The Chargers were on a bye last week so I took the week off too. Sorry, deal with it. Now that I’m trying to jump back in I don’t really know where to start. First of all, I can’t recall too much of the last game. I think I’ve repressed most the  memories from the Denver game. What I do remember is I was right on most of my pregame predictions and wrong on another.  The game was close. The Chargers missed a lot of redzone opportunities which led to Nick Novak cementing his role as Chargers MVP with five field goals. Where I was wrong was with my prediction that the Chargers would have lots of “stupid penalties.” For the first time since 1975, the Chargers got through an entire game without committing a single penalty. Hell hath frozen over. Am I alone in my feeling that they will make up for lost time this Sunday against the Jets? I predict a boatload of penalties for the Chargers this weekend. Two consecutive weeks of smart football just seems like too much to ask of this team so I’m not going to get my hopes up.

The only other thing I remember from the Denver game is wondering what I could possibly write about when the Chargers had a 26-10 point lead with under seven minutes to go in the game. Well, that proved to be a premature concern because as it turned out, the Broncos actually had a chance to win on the final play of the game.  The Broncos surged back into the game thanks to the inspired play of their new starting quarterback Tim Tebow and the Chargers being, well, the Chargers. Yet, in the end, the Broncos comeback fell just short and San Diego improved its record to 4-1.  And that’s all you’ll hear from anyone within the Chargers organization: “we’re 4-1.”  So much so, it wouldn’t surprise me one little bit if Philip Rivers or Norv Turner show up to the Meadowlands on Sunday morning sporting a new forehead tattoo of “4-1.”  (A forehead tattoo might be hard to decipher on Norv though….) Don’t get me wrong, 4-1 is a great start in comparison to seasons past and it certainly improves the odds of making the playoffs this year. But when you take into consideration that the Chargers have had (according to ESPN) the 31st  easiest schedule of all NFL teams, it just seems like a big tease.

In order to move to 5-1 the Chargers must fly cross country and play the early game, which is something that is notoriously tough for West coast teams to do.  However, the Jets are playing on short rest and the Chargers have had two weeks to prepare for this game. Waiting for the Chargers will be one very pissed off L.T. and one very fat head coach who has been making fun of Norv Turner all week.  I usually have a feeling one way or the other on whether or not the Chargers will win each Sunday.  This week I have no idea at all what to expect.  Lets just hope Nick Novak doesn’t twist his ankle getting off the plane and Mark Sanchez keeps working on his choke artist hall of fame resume. And maybe just maybe, with any luck, Norv Turner and Rex Ryan will get into a scuffle after the game.  Can you imagine how much the team would rally behind Norv if he slapped Rex Ryan instead of shaking his hand and then started making foot fetish jokes in the postgame interview? Now that, would make my day.

Nick Novak MVP?

9 Oct

First of all, thank you to all who visited the site last week and gave me encouraging remarks.  Also thank you to those of you who visited and remembered your mother’s mantra “if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all.”  As for the grainy picture I’m using as the header that some of you (you know who you are, assholes…) told me I “really need to fix,” I thought it was obvious that the crappy quality was a stylistic choice.  Now that we’ve covered that, I owe an apology to the Kansas City Chiefs.  I’m sorry.  Last week I said the Kansas City Chiefs were “really really really shitty.”  I was wrong, they are actually only really really shitty.  It’s the Minnesota Vikings that are in fact really really really shitty, as they lost to the Chiefs in what could only be dubbed the “Toilet Bowl.”  The Chiefs aren’t the only AFC west team to have won a game last weekend. Although you didn’t see it on TV, the Chargers actually did play (and win) a game last weekend.  We beat the lowly Dolphins 26-16.  All in all, it wasn’t a terrible effort by the Chargers but let’s take a closer look at the game and discuss why you shouldn’t start planning a road trip to the Super Bowl just yet.

Now I’ll remind you that I didn’t actually see the game as it was blacked out on TV and I’m far too poor to actually buy a ticket and go see my beloved heroes in person.  To see any images from the game I was forced to buy something that my Grandmother calls a “newspaper.”

Relic From the Past

Am I holding this thing correctly?

However, I have heard that one can go online and watch blacked out games illegally.  Personally, I respect the law and would never condone this type of renegade behavior.  Yet, being that I have a responsibility to serve you, the rabid fan of, with the most up-to-date cynical Chargers news around, I had no choice but to interview some of these internet outlaws.  I interviewed so many of these ruffians and in such great detail, that I began to feel as if I had actually watched the game online myself.  So, for the sake of ease, I will report it to you in the first person as if I did watch the game online, but of course I would never do such a thing.

A Slightly Sloppy Wink

Wink Wink

The first quarter was memorable only for a few reasons.  The first being that the Dolphins scored a touchdown that should not have counted as their running back Lex Hilliard clearly never got into the endzone.  Obviously the referees were already feeling pity for the Miami Dolphins’ train wreck of a season.  And that was before the Dolphins’ starting quarterback Chad Henne left the game with what would turn out to be a season-ending shoulder injury.  If you see any Dolphins fan this week you really should offer him/her a hug because the shit has really hit the fan down there.  The other memorable moment was Vincent Jackson’s amazing 55 yard TD.  Rivers overthrew the ball to V-Jax down field, but Jackson still made an awesome diving catch and got up quickly enough to sprint into the endzone.  It was the kind of play that keeps us Chargers’ fans coming back for more despite the years of emotional abuse we have endured.  So in the second quarter with the Dolphins starting QB out with an injury, the Chargers should have put the game out of reach. Right? Wrong.  Instead they decided to let the Dolphins hang around by only outscoring them two field goals to one.  The most infuriating part was the Dolphins only got that field goal because of who?  You guessed it–the Chargers’ special teams!  After an uncharacteristically bad punt by the one guy I always feel like I can count on (Mike Scifres) and a silly unsportsmanlike penalty by Richard Gilchrist (lets call him Dick Gilchrist), the Dolphins started their possession on the Chargers’ 25.  That is not a typo, the Dolphins had the ball on the Chargers’ 25 yard line after a Chargers’ punt!  But I can’t stay mad at Scifres.  The man is a San Diego treasure.  He played the entire 2009 season with a sports hernia.  Courageous indeed.  Checkout this badass’ blog.   The Chargers made it all better (kind of) with a quick drive down the field to set-up kicker Nick Novak’s career long 48 yard field goal to end the half.  I have to say I was pretty surprised when he nailed that field goal.  Score at the half: 13-10.  Why can’t the Chargers just  blowout a bad football team?

The third quarter had another cool moment as Mike Tolbert launched all 245 lbs of his tubby self through the air for a 1 yard touchdown run.  I motion that from this moment forth Tolbert shall be known as “Big Sexy.”  The man has, hands down, the best TD celebration dance in the NFL.  The Dog just seconded my motion.  Speaking of the Dog, here’s some eye candy of San Diego’s biggest Chargers fan.

#1 Fan!

Notice the Enthusiasm

The rest of the game pretty much consisted of Nick Novak practicing field goals because the offense seems to be incapable of scoring any touchdowns.  Final score 26-16.  The win moves the Chargers to 3-1 on the young season which is the best start the Chargers have had in years.  Yet it still doesn’t feel very good considering the Dolphins were without their star rookie running back and they lost their QB to injury early in the game.  Face it, none of the Chargers’ victories have been very convincing that this team is going to the Super Bowl.  Now the Chargers will have to travel to Denver and try to get their first road win of the season.   That should be very doable seeing as how the Broncos do suck.  However, I do feel that the Broncos suck less than the 3 teams we’ve beaten thus far.  So expect a close game full of stupid penalties, missed opportunities and lots of Nick Novak field goals.  Chargers football! Hold me.

But I Thought You Loved the Chargers!

2 Oct

“But I thought you loved the Chargers!”  That seems to be the most common response I get from people when I try to describe to them what is all about.  Now I want to be clear on this so I don’t have to address it again.  I DO still love the Chargers just like I DO still love my dog even after she shits on the carpet.  This is a site for those who are frustrated by being a Chargers fan.  If you find me to be too cynical or you are the type of person who prefers someone to tell you its merely raining when in fact they are peeing on your leg, then perhaps another chargers fan site is more your speed. But, if you find the Chargers uncanny knack for creating new ways to consistently underachieve to be (almost) comical, this is the site for you my friend.  With that said, lets do a quick recap of the season so far.

This Chargers season began just as the last half decade of seasons have began: with great expectations.  We replaced our special teams coach and Vincent Jackson decided that playing football for millions of dollars was better than not playing football for no money at all.  Malcolm Floyd surprised us by deciding to not take more money to play elsewhere but instead stay here in San Diego.  Everyone seemed to be saying things like “if Philip Rivers could pass for 4,700 yards last year without any healthy receivers what can he do this year with everyone healthy?!”  Even the great prognosticator Peter King of Sports Illustrated picked the Chargers to go to the Superbowl.  Yes, optimism was running high.  Then the season started.  It took all of 15 seconds for Percy Harvin of the Minnesota Vikings to return the first kickoff of the season 103 yards for a touchdown.  OK, be honest, how many times did you say “f*ck” in that 15 second span?  To make matters worse the next image we see is Nate Kaeding being driven off the field on a cart.  Are you kidding me?  15 seconds!!!!  15 seconds and we’ve lost our kicker for the year (torn ACL) and I’m already wondering if this year’s special teams is going to do the impossible and be even worse than last year’s.  Eventually the Chargers recovered  in the 2nd half and went on to beat the Vikings 24-17 but not before Defensive End Luis Castillo broke his fucking leg (yeah I spelled it out this time).  The following week we played the Patriots in New England and if you thought we were going to win that one then I also have a bridge I would like to sell you.  Chargers got spanked.  Final score 35-21.  That’s all I have to say about that game.  Not because it’s too painful to talk about but because the Chargers drove me to drink and I don’t remember any of it.  Next up came the Kansas City Chiefs and I’ll admit even I thought we would blow them out.  Not because the Chargers are that good but because the Chiefs are really really really shitty.  Final score ended up being 20-17.  The only reason the game didn’t go to overtime was because Chiefs kicker Ryan Succop decided to live up to his surname and really suck-it-up by missing a routine field goal attempt in the 1st quarter.  So really the Chiefs beat themselves.

The good news is the Chargers are 2-1.  The bad news is those 2 wins came at home in San Diego against teams that are winless on the season.  The really bad news is somewhere in there SS Bob Sanders injured his knee and was placed on season-ending injured reserve and Antonio Gates looks like he will be a questionable start every week of the season due to his ongoing struggle with plantar fasciitis.  If you don’t think plantar fasciitis is a big deal check out this.  Yikes.  And if at any point this year you find yourself wondering why Antonio Garay is playing like a nine year old girl, check out this photo of his ride I saw on  Anyways, here come the winless Miami Dolphins.  At time of writing I can’t decide if I’m more pissed off I won’t be able to watch the game due to the blackout, or if I’m more relieved I won’t have to endure watching the special teams find a way to help the Dolphins get their first win.