Archive | November, 2011

Chargers Try to Avoid Getting “T-Boned”

27 Nov

I really don’t know where to start so I’m just not going to. Here is a list of some random thoughts about the sinking shit, er, ship otherwise known as the Chargers.

Final Score Bears 31 Chargers 17:  Chargers lose 5th straight…

Ryan Mathews:  Somebody must be putting bacon grease on Ryan Mathews gloves as a joke…it’s not funny. Also, why does he always seem to be wearing a youth large jersey? He dresses like a slut on Sundays. He obviously has no respect for himself because it appears that he thinks he has to show up in a bare midriff to get people to like him.  I’m not sure, but I think the Chargers wear the powder blues today.  I shudder to think how he is going to show up for this game, perhaps some powder blue stilettos and matching eye shadow to go with all those drive-killing fumbles?

Philip Rivers: He continues to be an amazing quarterback (for the other team)… Rivers has thrown 17 INTs now.  The all time single season record of 42 set by George Blanda seems a little overambitious, but if Philip can pick up the pace a bit he might be able to catch Vinny Testaverde for #2 all time at 35. Which just seems so fitting seeing as how Philip really has been the ultimate #2 (I’m talking about doo doo) this year…

Antoine Cason: He actually got an interception! Cool right? Well sorta. On his return of the INT Jay Cutler broke his thumb. Normally I would find this a little funny but since the Bears next three games are against the Raiders, Chiefs and Broncos respectively, I just find Cutler breaking his thumb really annoying. Screw you Cason! Even when you finally do something good you still find a way to suck…

Nick Novak: The heart and soul of the team hit the crossbar on a 55 yard field goal attempt. A part of me died right there.  Shake it off buddy, we need you today.

Today’s Matchup: Here’s the funny part. I know I keep saying this, but the Chargers still have a chance. The Raiders could very well lose to a good Bear’s team today that won’t look as bad as you might think with their backup QB. And the Chargers get a chance to sweep the Fucking,er, Bucking Broncos at home today. What better way to break a five game losing streak than to play the team you got your last win against? The problem with that logic is that this time Tim Tebow is going to play both halves of the game. Has Tim Tebow told you he likes God lately? Yes, Tim Tebow likes God and it would certainly appear that God likes him right back. Every so called “expert” said Tim Tebow has no chance to play QB at the NFL level yet somehow he keeps winning.  The guy really is quite the enigma. He has completely surpassed Chuck Norris at this point. Here’s some jokes I found online at various locations (they are not mine, and I’m sure they are all recycled Chuck Norris Jokes anyways). Enjoy.

-When Superman goes to bed he wears Tim Tebow pajamas.

-In the beginning there was Nothing. Then Tim Tebow stiff-armed that Nothing and told it to “get a job.” That is the story of the Universe.

-Tim Tebow is the reason Waldo is hiding.

-Tim Tebow calls 4th Downs “Jews” because they are the hardest and most rewarding to convert.

-Tim Tebow CAN believe it’s not butter.

-Before the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks the closet for Tim Tebow.


Chargers Try Not to Blow in the Windy City

20 Nov

It’s official. The Chargers suck. Just read the local newspaper. Local writers have reached a level of disillusionment equal to my own. Kevin Acee of the San Diego Union Tribune went so far as to say “they [the Chargers] stink.” Yes they do Kevin, the Chargers stink like shit. When I started this blog I could have never imagined the Chargers season would turn out this bad. Losing to the Raiders for a third consecutive time when a win at home against them would have steered the Chargers toward the playoffs is one of the most deflating sports moments I’ve ever seen. The Chargers lost 24-17 to the Raiders last Thursday night and to tell you the truth the final score makes it seem like it was closer than it even was. The truth is the Raiders beat up on the Chargers with their backup running back. Talk to any Chargers fan in person or go online to any Chargers forum and everybody wants to try and analyze what specifically is wrong with them. You’ll hear things like “Norv sucks, we need a new coach,” or “it’s not Norv’s fault Rivers has thrown so many interceptions, Rivers has to step it up.” Or perhaps a statement like “the secondary is garbage” or ” the O-line needs to protect Rivers better.”  HAHAHAHA! Don’t you people see?! This team just plain sucks. There is no quick-fix here. Trying to find the one thing that has made the Chargers such a disappointment this year is like looking at a piece of shit from multiple angles and trying to determine what quality makes it a piece of shit. It just doesn’t matter.

The funny thing is as bad as the Chargers are they technically still have a chance at making the playoffs. That’s how bad the AFC West is this year. At time of writing, The Chargers sit in third place closely behind the Raiders and Broncos. The Raiders are starting a QB that just a month ago was sitting on his couch watching football like you and me. The Broncos are starting a QB who according to almost every football expert should not be playing QB. And the Chargers are behind those teams, but not by much. The Chargers still have a game left against both the Raiders and the Broncos so there is still hope. San Diego can still be this year’s Seattle Seahawks and make the playoffs with a losing record.

Before those key games with the Broncos and Raiders the Chargers can go a long way to keep their playoff hopes alive with a with a win against the red-hot Chicago Bears. Normally I’d say the Chargers have no chance to travel to Soldier Field and beat a hard-nosed team like the Bears, but that would fail to account for how much of a douchebag Jay Cutler is. I mean just look at this fake picture of him.

Nice Pussy

Jay Cutler with his Best Friend

Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler hate each other and that’s the way I like it. Maybe, just maybe, playing Jay Cutler is what Rivers needs to light the competitive fire that seems to have been missing for him all year. It’s a stretch I know, but we’re getting desperate here.  I could go on writing more about how much the Chargers suck and are disappointing but it might be more fun to write a blog post about the fact that the sky is blue. Enjoy practicing your four-letter words while watching the game today.

Chargers Lose (again), in First Place (still)

10 Nov

What a game! Just when I was about to throw in the towel on this season the Chargers go toe-to-toe with the defending Super Bowl champion Packers and…lose. Yet somehow, no matter how inexplicably after three straight losses, I’m refilled with cautious optimism.  Even though the final result was still just another Chargers loss, it really didn’t feel all that bad.  Yes, it’s true, the Chargers have officially entered the realm of moral victories.  In typical Chargers fashion the team saved their best game of the season for a week when even their best wouldn’t be enough.  Philip Rivers appeared to turn the corner as he had his best game of the year. He threw six touchdown passes, including four to his own teammates. On the one hand, the narrow loss to the very competent Green Bay Packers stings, because you have to figure the Chargers would have a much better record than 4-4 if they could have played at this level all season.  On the other hand, WHO CARES?!  Because the Raiders and Chiefs both lost too!!! I’m not sure who should be more embarrassed.  The Chiefs gave Miami their first win of the season.  The Raiders lost at home to the AFC West’s last place Broncos.  What a bunch of losers that make up this division! Every time a team has a chance to take control of the division they simply shit the bed. Rather than being in 3rd place as they should be for losing three games in a row, the Chargers remain tied atop the division with the Raiders and Chiefs.  A win tonight at home against the visiting Oakland Rapists, I mean Raiders, (why does that keep happening?) and the Chargers will once again be in the driver’s seat.

That’s pretty much where we’re at this point. The first half of the 2011 season pretty much means nothing. Despite all the frustration and disappointment thus far, the Chargers still seem like the (very) slight favorite to win the division. Tonight’s game against the Raiders is as big as they come. A win tonight would not only put the Chargers in sole position of first place for at least a few days, but also guarantee they can do no worse than split the season series with all divisional opponents. So here we go. It’s Raiders week. A chance for revenge against a team that upset us twice last year. A chance to stay in first place. A chance. When the Chargers and the rest of San Diego wake up Friday morning will it be on a bed of roses or a bed that reeks of shit and disappointment? There is only one way to find out, get appropriately drunk to prepare yourself then watch and see.

One last thing about the Green Bay game: I wish we could schedule a home loss to the Packers every year. I can’t even begin to imagine how much money the legion of Packer’s fans that traveled into San Diego pumped into the local economy but I’m pretty sure it was worth the loss. At least for me it was. All you have to do with these kindhearted people is offer them a beer, some cheese, and maybe ask a question or two about Aaron Rodgers and they start throwing money at you like your topless with breast implants and your first name is some adjective like Stormy. (I’m a bartender, not a stripper, for those one or two of you reading this who might not know me personally). Seriously, thank you Packers’ fans. The Packers fans’ visit to town should be a stark contrast compared to visiting fans of the Oakland Raiders. All I can say to my fellow Chargers’ fans is lock your doors and “stay classy San Diego.” As for any Raiders’ fan that might be reading this, please don’t stab us, we’re not worth going back to jail.

Epic Suck

4 Nov

Well I guess you could say Philip Rivers  really dropped the ball last weekend. Because for a minute there it looked like the Chargers would escape Kansas City with another one of their signature ugly wins. Instead, Rivers lost the ball on a fumble for the third time this year and denied Chargers MVP Nick Novak from a gimme field goal opportunity to win the game. Rivers now has fourteen turnovers compared to seven passing touchdowns. There are 22 NFL quarterbacks who have thrown more touchdowns than Philip Rivers and exactly none who have thrown more interceptions. “That’s all I have to say about that” (Forest Gump accent).

The Chargers still had a great shot to win the game in overtime as they won the coin toss, but alas, they failed to capitalize on that opportunity as well. Mercifully, the Kansas City Chiefs ended the game with a field goal and moved into a three-way tie with the Chargers and Raiders for first place in the NFL’s worst division. Enjoy being in first place while it lasts Chargers fans because while the Raiders and Chiefs next play the Broncos and Dolphins respectively, the Chargers get the defending Superbowl champion Green Bay Packers. The Packers have beat every team they’ve played since last December. The only team the Chargers have beaten lately is themselves. The last time the Chargers beat the Packers was in 1984 and I was in diapers. I can’t help but wonder if the Chargers will beat the Packers again before I return to wearing diapers.  At least for now it’s not looking to0 likely, as the list of key players injured grows ever longer, and the Packers are coming off a bye week while the Chargers must play on short rest. So it is not only possible, but entirely likely that when you wake up Monday morning the Chargers will be in third place with only 3 days to prepare for their Thursday night game against the Oakland Rapists, err, Raiders.

A few side notes:

-Ryan Mathews is officially made out of a mixture of balsa wood, dandelions and fine china.

-The Chargers’ Special Teams hasn’t given up a touchdown for a while now.  I’d say they are overdue…

-The offensive pass interference call against Antonio Gates was a heaping load of steamy bullshit.

-Left guard Kris Dielman is expected to miss another game due to concussion; his backup Tyronne Greene has a broken hand and is hoping he will be able to play with a cast on.  Great, not only is Greene not that good but now he has to play with one arm… How many more injuries can the Chargers endure before we see GM A.J. Smith circling the parking lot at a local Home Depot?

-Norv Turner’s continued employment as the San Diego Chargers’ head coach finally makes sense to me now. Apparently, Chargers’ owner Dean Spanos has a penchant for picking guys who have no shot at winning. At least that’s how it  appears as it was recently announced that Spanos will help lead Texas governor Rick Perry’s fundraising effort in the state of California. Wow. Wouldn’t it be interesting if Norv and Rick switched vocations? Think about it. Norv seems more electable as he can at least get through media interviews without getting piss drunk and is not a blatant racist. Rick clearly has more self confidence than Norv and probably knows how to coach football just as well anyways…

-I took a look at the remaining schedule and it’s not pretty. Of the nine games remaining the Chargers must play the Packers, Lions, Bears, Ravens, Bills and two games against the Raiders.  I think they are going to have a tough time getting to 8 wins this season. Do you agree?