Archive | December, 2011

Twas the day before Christmas

23 Dec

Twas the day before Christmas, yet through the AFC West,

Not a team had proved themselves to be best.

The Chargers played games like they just didn’t care,

and hoped that the playoffs would somehow be there.

The Chiefs were nestled all snug in their beds,

while visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.

I’m not wearing a ‘kerchief as I sip my night cap,

I’m writing a blog post that’s totally crap.

When in the standings there arose such a clatter,

Has Tebow done the impossible and made the Broncos matter?

At first it appeared the Raiders were making a splash,

But now we all now they are just stinky trash.

The moon on the boobs of the new-fallen snow,

No Sam Hurd, I’m not talking about blow.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear?

A Chargers game that mattered and a fridge full of beer.

The Lions a team so tough, mean and quick,

But Ndamukong Suh is a big dirty prick.

Anticipation builds rapid for tomorrow’s game,

Just having thought of it I practically came!

Now Rivers! Now Mathews! Now Norv! (you Vixen!)

On Scifres! On Novak! Go Defense, keep Blitzen!

To the top of the standings! To the top of the wall!

For the love of God! Hold onto the ball!!!

Please please you Chargers, don’t make me cry,

My hopes have now risen to the top of the sky.

You’re playing so well now, in your baby blue,

Don’t revert to your old ways, looking like poo.

And should the season go up in a poof,

you might see me standing on the edge of my roof.

If this season is to keep turning around,

Big Fat Tubby Tolbert must run with a bound.

Norv covered in wrinkles from his head to his foot,

If we miss the playoffs his job is KAPUT!

A bundle of Boys have found their lost sack,

Perhaps you may say they got their groove back.

Norv’s eyes how they twinkle! His dimples so scary!

His cheeks not like roses, dick made out of dairy!

What goes through his head no one could know,

Might these be his last weeks in San Di-E-Go?

Decisions he’s made have caused us such grief,

I wanted to like you but if you’ve been quite a queef.

I’ve never met you but I’m sure that you’re smelly,

When you coach a team tough men turn into jelly.

C’mon Norv Turner! You silly old elf,

If you can’t win this big one then GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Knowing our playbook comes straight from your head,

Is all that I need to fill me with dread!

To take the wild card from the Jets is our work,

Send home Rex Ryan! That large-bellied jerk!

Norv if you can strike your smug winning pose,

You’ll send Rex packing to fondle some toes!

We’re playing so well, keep avoiding Ref’s whistle,

Let’s not lose our swagger, lets not lose our sizzle!

Come all ye Chargers fans lets cheer now with might,

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!


Loss For Words…

18 Dec
Calm in defeat...

Norv looking smug while losing another one...

Last night I sat with the laptop and stared for about an hour at a blinking cursor.  I simply could not think what to write for this post after I promised more content last week.  Perhaps I’m at a loss for words because I didn’t even see the previous game due to the black out . Perhaps I’m experiencing writer’s block because I’ve reached that comfortable level of disappointment in this Chargers season where they can’t hurt me anymore. Or maybe there are only so many immature poop jokes you can write about an underachieving football team. Either way, words seem to escape me when trying to describe my feelings about tonight’s game against the Ravens. So I figured I’ll express myself to you through the universal language of art.  I hope you enjoy my artist’s rendition of the great Norv Turner. Medium=colored pencil on printer paper with beer in my belly. I will consider parting with it if the price is right. Make me an offer, serious inquiries only…

Don’t Call it a Comeback

11 Dec

I’ll be honest I really didn’t see much of the victory over the Jaguars last week because I was at work. I won’t see any of today’s game against the Bills and neither will you because for the second time this year the game will be blacked out. At time of writing I’m locked out of my house and really need to take a Cason (poop). I predict the Chargers beat the Bills and we are all trying to figure out tie-break scenarios tomorrow morning… I promise to write a longer post next week…

Novak Pisses Away Golden Opportunity

5 Dec

Well Nick Novak is human after all.  Its not everyday an NFL kicker misses two opportunities to win the game for his team but I’m sure it has happened before.  What made Novak’s effort last week truly memorable was the image of him taking a tinkle on the sideline. Yes, it’s true, Novak went pee pee on the sideline before going doo doo on the field. Final score 16-13 in overtime.  The good news is the Chargers moved one loss closer to being mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.

I have a bad feeling they are going to kick the shit out of the Jags tonight though which will just keep this poor tortured little town sucked into the season for at least one more week. Worst case-scenario is they stomp the Jags tonight, ride the momentum into what initially looks to be an amazing comeback in the division standings over the next few weeks only to fall just short to the Denver Broncos.  Then, based upon the fact that the team finished strong despite their myriad injuries, Norv is offered (and takes) a three-year contract extension.  During the course of those seasons the Chargers continue to slowly regress after a slew of bad draft picks and mounting injuries to Philip Rivers.  Eventually, four or five years from now (after coaching candidates like  Bill Cowher, Jeff Fisher, and John Gruden, etc., have all signed with other teams), the Chargers are the worst team in the NFL and thus rewarded with the #1 draft pick whereupon they subsequently draft the next Ryan Leaf to be their starting quarterback for their inaugural season in Los Angeles. The oracle has spoken.