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I Don’t Even Know What I Want to Happen…

1 Jan

I  really don’t want to do this right now but I’ve successfully completed a blog post before every Chargers game this season and I don’t intend on breaking that streak right before the final game of the year. Forgive me if this one is particularly short and particularly crappy but it just kind of fits considering this game literally means nothing to the Chargers. Well, almost nothing. The Chargers were officially eliminated from playoff contention after no showing in their loss to the Lions last week (just in case you have recently awoke from a coma or you are one of those lucky people that don’t really follow the Chargers.) Yet, with a win today they can still cockblock the Raiders from playing in the playoffs. On the other hand, if the Chargers lose today that might mean the difference of being just outside the top ten in next year’s draft as opposed to being as far back as the early 20s. So it has all come down to this:  ruin New Years Day for Raiders fans everywhere or improve the long-term prospect of the team by acquiring a superior player in next year’s draft.  What a crock of shit. Peter King’s prediction of the Chargers going to this year’s Superbowl before the start of the season seems like so long ago… Here is some porno for puppy lovers to cheer you up. Notice how her eyes just scream “FEED ME!”

World's Sultriest Dog

Hard to believe she has been spayed huh?

Twas the day before Christmas

23 Dec

Twas the day before Christmas, yet through the AFC West,

Not a team had proved themselves to be best.

The Chargers played games like they just didn’t care,

and hoped that the playoffs would somehow be there.

The Chiefs were nestled all snug in their beds,

while visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.

I’m not wearing a ‘kerchief as I sip my night cap,

I’m writing a blog post that’s totally crap.

When in the standings there arose such a clatter,

Has Tebow done the impossible and made the Broncos matter?

At first it appeared the Raiders were making a splash,

But now we all now they are just stinky trash.

The moon on the boobs of the new-fallen snow,

No Sam Hurd, I’m not talking about blow.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear?

A Chargers game that mattered and a fridge full of beer.

The Lions a team so tough, mean and quick,

But Ndamukong Suh is a big dirty prick.

Anticipation builds rapid for tomorrow’s game,

Just having thought of it I practically came!

Now Rivers! Now Mathews! Now Norv! (you Vixen!)

On Scifres! On Novak! Go Defense, keep Blitzen!

To the top of the standings! To the top of the wall!

For the love of God! Hold onto the ball!!!

Please please you Chargers, don’t make me cry,

My hopes have now risen to the top of the sky.

You’re playing so well now, in your baby blue,

Don’t revert to your old ways, looking like poo.

And should the season go up in a poof,

you might see me standing on the edge of my roof.

If this season is to keep turning around,

Big Fat Tubby Tolbert must run with a bound.

Norv covered in wrinkles from his head to his foot,

If we miss the playoffs his job is KAPUT!

A bundle of Boys have found their lost sack,

Perhaps you may say they got their groove back.

Norv’s eyes how they twinkle! His dimples so scary!

His cheeks not like roses, dick made out of dairy!

What goes through his head no one could know,

Might these be his last weeks in San Di-E-Go?

Decisions he’s made have caused us such grief,

I wanted to like you but if you’ve been quite a queef.

I’ve never met you but I’m sure that you’re smelly,

When you coach a team tough men turn into jelly.

C’mon Norv Turner! You silly old elf,

If you can’t win this big one then GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Knowing our playbook comes straight from your head,

Is all that I need to fill me with dread!

To take the wild card from the Jets is our work,

Send home Rex Ryan! That large-bellied jerk!

Norv if you can strike your smug winning pose,

You’ll send Rex packing to fondle some toes!

We’re playing so well, keep avoiding Ref’s whistle,

Let’s not lose our swagger, lets not lose our sizzle!

Come all ye Chargers fans lets cheer now with might,

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Loss For Words…

18 Dec
Calm in defeat...

Norv looking smug while losing another one...

Last night I sat with the laptop and stared for about an hour at a blinking cursor.  I simply could not think what to write for this post after I promised more content last week.  Perhaps I’m at a loss for words because I didn’t even see the previous game due to the black out . Perhaps I’m experiencing writer’s block because I’ve reached that comfortable level of disappointment in this Chargers season where they can’t hurt me anymore. Or maybe there are only so many immature poop jokes you can write about an underachieving football team. Either way, words seem to escape me when trying to describe my feelings about tonight’s game against the Ravens. So I figured I’ll express myself to you through the universal language of art.  I hope you enjoy my artist’s rendition of the great Norv Turner. Medium=colored pencil on printer paper with beer in my belly. I will consider parting with it if the price is right. Make me an offer, serious inquiries only…

Don’t Call it a Comeback

11 Dec

I’ll be honest I really didn’t see much of the victory over the Jaguars last week because I was at work. I won’t see any of today’s game against the Bills and neither will you because for the second time this year the game will be blacked out. At time of writing I’m locked out of my house and really need to take a Cason (poop). I predict the Chargers beat the Bills and we are all trying to figure out tie-break scenarios tomorrow morning… I promise to write a longer post next week…

Novak Pisses Away Golden Opportunity

5 Dec

Well Nick Novak is human after all.  Its not everyday an NFL kicker misses two opportunities to win the game for his team but I’m sure it has happened before.  What made Novak’s effort last week truly memorable was the image of him taking a tinkle on the sideline. Yes, it’s true, Novak went pee pee on the sideline before going doo doo on the field. Final score 16-13 in overtime.  The good news is the Chargers moved one loss closer to being mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.

I have a bad feeling they are going to kick the shit out of the Jags tonight though which will just keep this poor tortured little town sucked into the season for at least one more week. Worst case-scenario is they stomp the Jags tonight, ride the momentum into what initially looks to be an amazing comeback in the division standings over the next few weeks only to fall just short to the Denver Broncos.  Then, based upon the fact that the team finished strong despite their myriad injuries, Norv is offered (and takes) a three-year contract extension.  During the course of those seasons the Chargers continue to slowly regress after a slew of bad draft picks and mounting injuries to Philip Rivers.  Eventually, four or five years from now (after coaching candidates like  Bill Cowher, Jeff Fisher, and John Gruden, etc., have all signed with other teams), the Chargers are the worst team in the NFL and thus rewarded with the #1 draft pick whereupon they subsequently draft the next Ryan Leaf to be their starting quarterback for their inaugural season in Los Angeles. The oracle has spoken.

Chargers Try to Avoid Getting “T-Boned”

27 Nov

I really don’t know where to start so I’m just not going to. Here is a list of some random thoughts about the sinking shit, er, ship otherwise known as the Chargers.

Final Score Bears 31 Chargers 17:  Chargers lose 5th straight…

Ryan Mathews:  Somebody must be putting bacon grease on Ryan Mathews gloves as a joke…it’s not funny. Also, why does he always seem to be wearing a youth large jersey? He dresses like a slut on Sundays. He obviously has no respect for himself because it appears that he thinks he has to show up in a bare midriff to get people to like him.  I’m not sure, but I think the Chargers wear the powder blues today.  I shudder to think how he is going to show up for this game, perhaps some powder blue stilettos and matching eye shadow to go with all those drive-killing fumbles?

Philip Rivers: He continues to be an amazing quarterback (for the other team)… Rivers has thrown 17 INTs now.  The all time single season record of 42 set by George Blanda seems a little overambitious, but if Philip can pick up the pace a bit he might be able to catch Vinny Testaverde for #2 all time at 35. Which just seems so fitting seeing as how Philip really has been the ultimate #2 (I’m talking about doo doo) this year…

Antoine Cason: He actually got an interception! Cool right? Well sorta. On his return of the INT Jay Cutler broke his thumb. Normally I would find this a little funny but since the Bears next three games are against the Raiders, Chiefs and Broncos respectively, I just find Cutler breaking his thumb really annoying. Screw you Cason! Even when you finally do something good you still find a way to suck…

Nick Novak: The heart and soul of the team hit the crossbar on a 55 yard field goal attempt. A part of me died right there.  Shake it off buddy, we need you today.

Today’s Matchup: Here’s the funny part. I know I keep saying this, but the Chargers still have a chance. The Raiders could very well lose to a good Bear’s team today that won’t look as bad as you might think with their backup QB. And the Chargers get a chance to sweep the Fucking,er, Bucking Broncos at home today. What better way to break a five game losing streak than to play the team you got your last win against? The problem with that logic is that this time Tim Tebow is going to play both halves of the game. Has Tim Tebow told you he likes God lately? Yes, Tim Tebow likes God and it would certainly appear that God likes him right back. Every so called “expert” said Tim Tebow has no chance to play QB at the NFL level yet somehow he keeps winning.  The guy really is quite the enigma. He has completely surpassed Chuck Norris at this point. Here’s some jokes I found online at various locations (they are not mine, and I’m sure they are all recycled Chuck Norris Jokes anyways). Enjoy.

-When Superman goes to bed he wears Tim Tebow pajamas.

-In the beginning there was Nothing. Then Tim Tebow stiff-armed that Nothing and told it to “get a job.” That is the story of the Universe.

-Tim Tebow is the reason Waldo is hiding.

-Tim Tebow calls 4th Downs “Jews” because they are the hardest and most rewarding to convert.

-Tim Tebow CAN believe it’s not butter.

-Before the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks the closet for Tim Tebow.

Chargers Lose (again), in First Place (still)

10 Nov

What a game! Just when I was about to throw in the towel on this season the Chargers go toe-to-toe with the defending Super Bowl champion Packers and…lose. Yet somehow, no matter how inexplicably after three straight losses, I’m refilled with cautious optimism.  Even though the final result was still just another Chargers loss, it really didn’t feel all that bad.  Yes, it’s true, the Chargers have officially entered the realm of moral victories.  In typical Chargers fashion the team saved their best game of the season for a week when even their best wouldn’t be enough.  Philip Rivers appeared to turn the corner as he had his best game of the year. He threw six touchdown passes, including four to his own teammates. On the one hand, the narrow loss to the very competent Green Bay Packers stings, because you have to figure the Chargers would have a much better record than 4-4 if they could have played at this level all season.  On the other hand, WHO CARES?!  Because the Raiders and Chiefs both lost too!!! I’m not sure who should be more embarrassed.  The Chiefs gave Miami their first win of the season.  The Raiders lost at home to the AFC West’s last place Broncos.  What a bunch of losers that make up this division! Every time a team has a chance to take control of the division they simply shit the bed. Rather than being in 3rd place as they should be for losing three games in a row, the Chargers remain tied atop the division with the Raiders and Chiefs.  A win tonight at home against the visiting Oakland Rapists, I mean Raiders, (why does that keep happening?) and the Chargers will once again be in the driver’s seat.

That’s pretty much where we’re at this point. The first half of the 2011 season pretty much means nothing. Despite all the frustration and disappointment thus far, the Chargers still seem like the (very) slight favorite to win the division. Tonight’s game against the Raiders is as big as they come. A win tonight would not only put the Chargers in sole position of first place for at least a few days, but also guarantee they can do no worse than split the season series with all divisional opponents. So here we go. It’s Raiders week. A chance for revenge against a team that upset us twice last year. A chance to stay in first place. A chance. When the Chargers and the rest of San Diego wake up Friday morning will it be on a bed of roses or a bed that reeks of shit and disappointment? There is only one way to find out, get appropriately drunk to prepare yourself then watch and see.

One last thing about the Green Bay game: I wish we could schedule a home loss to the Packers every year. I can’t even begin to imagine how much money the legion of Packer’s fans that traveled into San Diego pumped into the local economy but I’m pretty sure it was worth the loss. At least for me it was. All you have to do with these kindhearted people is offer them a beer, some cheese, and maybe ask a question or two about Aaron Rodgers and they start throwing money at you like your topless with breast implants and your first name is some adjective like Stormy. (I’m a bartender, not a stripper, for those one or two of you reading this who might not know me personally). Seriously, thank you Packers’ fans. The Packers fans’ visit to town should be a stark contrast compared to visiting fans of the Oakland Raiders. All I can say to my fellow Chargers’ fans is lock your doors and “stay classy San Diego.” As for any Raiders’ fan that might be reading this, please don’t stab us, we’re not worth going back to jail.