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Chargers Try Not to Blow in the Windy City

20 Nov

It’s official. The Chargers suck. Just read the local newspaper. Local writers have reached a level of disillusionment equal to my own. Kevin Acee of the San Diego Union Tribune went so far as to say “they [the Chargers] stink.” Yes they do Kevin, the Chargers stink like shit. When I started this blog I could have never imagined the Chargers season would turn out this bad. Losing to the Raiders for a third consecutive time when a win at home against them would have steered the Chargers toward the playoffs is one of the most deflating sports moments I’ve ever seen. The Chargers lost 24-17 to the Raiders last Thursday night and to tell you the truth the final score makes it seem like it was closer than it even was. The truth is the Raiders beat up on the Chargers with their backup running back. Talk to any Chargers fan in person or go online to any Chargers forum and everybody wants to try and analyze what specifically is wrong with them. You’ll hear things like “Norv sucks, we need a new coach,” or “it’s not Norv’s fault Rivers has thrown so many interceptions, Rivers has to step it up.” Or perhaps a statement like “the secondary is garbage” or ” the O-line needs to protect Rivers better.”  HAHAHAHA! Don’t you people see?! This team just plain sucks. There is no quick-fix here. Trying to find the one thing that has made the Chargers such a disappointment this year is like looking at a piece of shit from multiple angles and trying to determine what quality makes it a piece of shit. It just doesn’t matter.

The funny thing is as bad as the Chargers are they technically still have a chance at making the playoffs. That’s how bad the AFC West is this year. At time of writing, The Chargers sit in third place closely behind the Raiders and Broncos. The Raiders are starting a QB that just a month ago was sitting on his couch watching football like you and me. The Broncos are starting a QB who according to almost every football expert should not be playing QB. And the Chargers are behind those teams, but not by much. The Chargers still have a game left against both the Raiders and the Broncos so there is still hope. San Diego can still be this year’s Seattle Seahawks and make the playoffs with a losing record.

Before those key games with the Broncos and Raiders the Chargers can go a long way to keep their playoff hopes alive with a with a win against the red-hot Chicago Bears. Normally I’d say the Chargers have no chance to travel to Soldier Field and beat a hard-nosed team like the Bears, but that would fail to account for how much of a douchebag Jay Cutler is. I mean just look at this fake picture of him.

Nice Pussy

Jay Cutler with his Best Friend

Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler hate each other and that’s the way I like it. Maybe, just maybe, playing Jay Cutler is what Rivers needs to light the competitive fire that seems to have been missing for him all year. It’s a stretch I know, but we’re getting desperate here.  I could go on writing more about how much the Chargers suck and are disappointing but it might be more fun to write a blog post about the fact that the sky is blue. Enjoy practicing your four-letter words while watching the game today.


Epic Suck

4 Nov

Well I guess you could say Philip Rivers  really dropped the ball last weekend. Because for a minute there it looked like the Chargers would escape Kansas City with another one of their signature ugly wins. Instead, Rivers lost the ball on a fumble for the third time this year and denied Chargers MVP Nick Novak from a gimme field goal opportunity to win the game. Rivers now has fourteen turnovers compared to seven passing touchdowns. There are 22 NFL quarterbacks who have thrown more touchdowns than Philip Rivers and exactly none who have thrown more interceptions. “That’s all I have to say about that” (Forest Gump accent).

The Chargers still had a great shot to win the game in overtime as they won the coin toss, but alas, they failed to capitalize on that opportunity as well. Mercifully, the Kansas City Chiefs ended the game with a field goal and moved into a three-way tie with the Chargers and Raiders for first place in the NFL’s worst division. Enjoy being in first place while it lasts Chargers fans because while the Raiders and Chiefs next play the Broncos and Dolphins respectively, the Chargers get the defending Superbowl champion Green Bay Packers. The Packers have beat every team they’ve played since last December. The only team the Chargers have beaten lately is themselves. The last time the Chargers beat the Packers was in 1984 and I was in diapers. I can’t help but wonder if the Chargers will beat the Packers again before I return to wearing diapers.  At least for now it’s not looking to0 likely, as the list of key players injured grows ever longer, and the Packers are coming off a bye week while the Chargers must play on short rest. So it is not only possible, but entirely likely that when you wake up Monday morning the Chargers will be in third place with only 3 days to prepare for their Thursday night game against the Oakland Rapists, err, Raiders.

A few side notes:

-Ryan Mathews is officially made out of a mixture of balsa wood, dandelions and fine china.

-The Chargers’ Special Teams hasn’t given up a touchdown for a while now.  I’d say they are overdue…

-The offensive pass interference call against Antonio Gates was a heaping load of steamy bullshit.

-Left guard Kris Dielman is expected to miss another game due to concussion; his backup Tyronne Greene has a broken hand and is hoping he will be able to play with a cast on.  Great, not only is Greene not that good but now he has to play with one arm… How many more injuries can the Chargers endure before we see GM A.J. Smith circling the parking lot at a local Home Depot?

-Norv Turner’s continued employment as the San Diego Chargers’ head coach finally makes sense to me now. Apparently, Chargers’ owner Dean Spanos has a penchant for picking guys who have no shot at winning. At least that’s how it  appears as it was recently announced that Spanos will help lead Texas governor Rick Perry’s fundraising effort in the state of California. Wow. Wouldn’t it be interesting if Norv and Rick switched vocations? Think about it. Norv seems more electable as he can at least get through media interviews without getting piss drunk and is not a blatant racist. Rick clearly has more self confidence than Norv and probably knows how to coach football just as well anyways…

-I took a look at the remaining schedule and it’s not pretty. Of the nine games remaining the Chargers must play the Packers, Lions, Bears, Ravens, Bills and two games against the Raiders.  I think they are going to have a tough time getting to 8 wins this season. Do you agree?

Top Ten Reasons Chargers Piss Me Off

30 Oct

The Chargers completely sucked last week in their collapse to the Jets.  It was their shittiest effort they’ve given so far this year. In their honor (and due to time constraints)  I’ve decided to write my shittiest blog post of the season.  I am very grumpy about the Chargers right now.  I really hope they can pull it together and beat the suddenly confident Kansas City Chiefs on Halloween night.  If the Chargers cannot beat the Chiefs tomorrow night then there is no doubt in my mind that my house will be the scariest on the block as I furiously pass out candy to all the neighborhood kiddos.  Without further ado, here is a half-assed recap of last weeks game in list format.

The Top 10 most frustrating things from last weekend’s game against the Jets:

10. Injuries-The injury bug continues to bite the Chargers as the team continues to lose key players left and right.  Marcus Mcneil, Malcom Floyd, Larry English, and Mike Tolbert are just some of the players who suffered significant injuries last week.

9.  Ryan Mathews seems to leave every game for some minor injury.  He left last week to go to the locker room to check out his thumb.  He was fine, came back into the game after a few minutes.  I just picture him crying until the trainer puts a spiderman band-aid on him then its like it never happened and he is back to running around.  Toughen up! We are counting on you.

8.  Antoine Cason got scored on three times by a guy who went to jail for shooting himself in the dick.

7.  Penalties- As much as I typically love being right (and believe me, I LOVE it) I hated seeing  the Chargers commit 13 penalities for 95 yards.  I predicted that they would commit a “boatload” of penalties so I think that makes me the fucking Nostradamus of Charger’s football.

6.  Bad calls- The Chargers don’t really need any help losing close games but they got it when Quentin Jammer was tagged with an unfair pass interference call that basically allowed the Jets to run more time off the clock before kicking their late field goal.

5.  The Chargers were winning 21-10 at halftime and ended up losing 27-21. They did not score in the second half.  Good teams do not play like that.

4.  The Chargers are supposed to have a “potent offense,” they still have not scored 30 points in a game this season.

3.  The final drive- I swear I’m not just saying this for effect, but I think the Chargers final drive was the most inept I’ve ever seen a NFL team look in a hurry-up offense.  They demonstrated a complete lack of urgency as they took their sweet time changing formations which lead to idiotic 3 yard passes in the middle of the field.  WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.  Philip Rivers- You are making me sad.  Do you want to talk about anything?  Are you doing drugs?  I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what is going on.  Can you tell me why you would intentionally throw the ball out of bounds on 4th down at the end of the game?  I know you like to throw the ball out of bounds to avoid getting sacked but on the last play of the game?

1.  Norv Turner- Even after all these shitty things the Chargers could’ve still left New Jersey on a high note if Norv would’ve just followed my advice.  Rex Ryan openly talked shit about Norv all week.  I suggested that Norv should slap Rex Ryan right in his fat face during the post game handshake.  Sure, it might have led to Norv coaching the rest of the season as a paraplegic after Rex sat on him in retaliation, but it would have fired up the troops.  Instead, Norv acted “professionally” and simply shook Rex’s hand like nothing happened.  What a pussy…

Nick Novak MVP?

9 Oct

First of all, thank you to all who visited the site last week and gave me encouraging remarks.  Also thank you to those of you who visited and remembered your mother’s mantra “if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all.”  As for the grainy picture I’m using as the header that some of you (you know who you are, assholes…) told me I “really need to fix,” I thought it was obvious that the crappy quality was a stylistic choice.  Now that we’ve covered that, I owe an apology to the Kansas City Chiefs.  I’m sorry.  Last week I said the Kansas City Chiefs were “really really really shitty.”  I was wrong, they are actually only really really shitty.  It’s the Minnesota Vikings that are in fact really really really shitty, as they lost to the Chiefs in what could only be dubbed the “Toilet Bowl.”  The Chiefs aren’t the only AFC west team to have won a game last weekend. Although you didn’t see it on TV, the Chargers actually did play (and win) a game last weekend.  We beat the lowly Dolphins 26-16.  All in all, it wasn’t a terrible effort by the Chargers but let’s take a closer look at the game and discuss why you shouldn’t start planning a road trip to the Super Bowl just yet.

Now I’ll remind you that I didn’t actually see the game as it was blacked out on TV and I’m far too poor to actually buy a ticket and go see my beloved heroes in person.  To see any images from the game I was forced to buy something that my Grandmother calls a “newspaper.”

Relic From the Past

Am I holding this thing correctly?

However, I have heard that one can go online and watch blacked out games illegally.  Personally, I respect the law and would never condone this type of renegade behavior.  Yet, being that I have a responsibility to serve you, the rabid fan of, with the most up-to-date cynical Chargers news around, I had no choice but to interview some of these internet outlaws.  I interviewed so many of these ruffians and in such great detail, that I began to feel as if I had actually watched the game online myself.  So, for the sake of ease, I will report it to you in the first person as if I did watch the game online, but of course I would never do such a thing.

A Slightly Sloppy Wink

Wink Wink

The first quarter was memorable only for a few reasons.  The first being that the Dolphins scored a touchdown that should not have counted as their running back Lex Hilliard clearly never got into the endzone.  Obviously the referees were already feeling pity for the Miami Dolphins’ train wreck of a season.  And that was before the Dolphins’ starting quarterback Chad Henne left the game with what would turn out to be a season-ending shoulder injury.  If you see any Dolphins fan this week you really should offer him/her a hug because the shit has really hit the fan down there.  The other memorable moment was Vincent Jackson’s amazing 55 yard TD.  Rivers overthrew the ball to V-Jax down field, but Jackson still made an awesome diving catch and got up quickly enough to sprint into the endzone.  It was the kind of play that keeps us Chargers’ fans coming back for more despite the years of emotional abuse we have endured.  So in the second quarter with the Dolphins starting QB out with an injury, the Chargers should have put the game out of reach. Right? Wrong.  Instead they decided to let the Dolphins hang around by only outscoring them two field goals to one.  The most infuriating part was the Dolphins only got that field goal because of who?  You guessed it–the Chargers’ special teams!  After an uncharacteristically bad punt by the one guy I always feel like I can count on (Mike Scifres) and a silly unsportsmanlike penalty by Richard Gilchrist (lets call him Dick Gilchrist), the Dolphins started their possession on the Chargers’ 25.  That is not a typo, the Dolphins had the ball on the Chargers’ 25 yard line after a Chargers’ punt!  But I can’t stay mad at Scifres.  The man is a San Diego treasure.  He played the entire 2009 season with a sports hernia.  Courageous indeed.  Checkout this badass’ blog.   The Chargers made it all better (kind of) with a quick drive down the field to set-up kicker Nick Novak’s career long 48 yard field goal to end the half.  I have to say I was pretty surprised when he nailed that field goal.  Score at the half: 13-10.  Why can’t the Chargers just  blowout a bad football team?

The third quarter had another cool moment as Mike Tolbert launched all 245 lbs of his tubby self through the air for a 1 yard touchdown run.  I motion that from this moment forth Tolbert shall be known as “Big Sexy.”  The man has, hands down, the best TD celebration dance in the NFL.  The Dog just seconded my motion.  Speaking of the Dog, here’s some eye candy of San Diego’s biggest Chargers fan.

#1 Fan!

Notice the Enthusiasm

The rest of the game pretty much consisted of Nick Novak practicing field goals because the offense seems to be incapable of scoring any touchdowns.  Final score 26-16.  The win moves the Chargers to 3-1 on the young season which is the best start the Chargers have had in years.  Yet it still doesn’t feel very good considering the Dolphins were without their star rookie running back and they lost their QB to injury early in the game.  Face it, none of the Chargers’ victories have been very convincing that this team is going to the Super Bowl.  Now the Chargers will have to travel to Denver and try to get their first road win of the season.   That should be very doable seeing as how the Broncos do suck.  However, I do feel that the Broncos suck less than the 3 teams we’ve beaten thus far.  So expect a close game full of stupid penalties, missed opportunities and lots of Nick Novak field goals.  Chargers football! Hold me.